Scattered Thoughts

oh, day care

2012-01-26T12:47:00.000-08:00

In May of last year, I landed the best job ever. I actually look forward to going to work most days. This has never been the case before. In June of last year, I suspected I was pregnant. A trip to the doctor resulted in a negative test. It was both a let-down and a relief. A new job and a new baby? Maybe not the best combination. By July, I figured I was pregnant or something was wrong. Pregnant, as it turned out.

And now, as we head down the road to parenthood, we also head down the road to day care. I never went to day care myself; my mom stayed at home and I always wanted to do the same. Nathan, on the other hand, grew up going to several day cares and sitters. When I hear about how often they had to find a new place or person to watch him and his brother, I think, “Nightmare! I don’t want to be doing that for the next 10 to 12 years! I want to raise my own children!”

However.

I have to realize that Nathan and his brother (and parents) survived the day care ordeal. I’ve also had to realize that I don’t really want to give up my job if I don’t have to give it up. So, I’ve been looking into day cares.

Day Care Number 1 was a bright, shining example of, well, day care. The staff was friendly and super knowledgeable, it was clean and open, the programs for different age groups were stimulating and wonderful, and I loved it. Unfortunately, you pay quite a bit for that kind of greatness.

Day Care Number 2 paled in comparison. I arrived to a director who seemed surprised to see me, even though I’d made an appointment. I wasn’t introduced to anyone (including the director!). Infant care was explained and seemed adequate, but that was it…Number 1 gave me an overview of every age group and Number 2 did not. Everything appeared to be clean, but it didn’t have the bright openness of Number 1. But (and a big but) it’s affordable. Sigh.

I called Day Care Number 3, only to find out that there are no openings. The lady I spoke with said I sounded “really young.” I wasn’t sure what to say to that, so I just kind of laughed. Guess that’s out.

I’ve been unable to find other day cares for babies in the area we live in, so we’re most likely to choose Number 2. We’re trying to stay away from private care because we’re not really going to have anyone to rely on if a private home care person gets sick or takes a vacation. And it doesn’t help that we know several people with babies who had negative private care experiences.

It’s just not what I imagined for myself as a mother. I never seriously considered being a working mother until I saw the positive pregnancy test. The kicker is that I only work part time. I won't even be away from the kid for 40 hours a week! But I had really, truly never given much thought to being a working mom. So this has been a lot about trying to change my perspective.

blessed

2012-01-12T11:42:00.000-08:00

So…

There’s not going to be a new house. We’d done quite a bit of research and thought we had a decent idea of what the price would be. Yeah…we were wrong.

We now have to work on a serious home reorganization plan. I meant it when I said there’s very little room for baby. I may never get the nursery of my dreams now. Sigh…and you only get to have a nursery for such a short time. It kind of sucks.

However.

As previously mentioned, we are not lacking in material items. We have what is necessary (and probably more) to raise a child in a little house. I’ve been thinking of Costa Rica, when I spent about three months living with a host family of four in a home smaller than ours. They hosted students regularly, which usually made them a family of five. My host mama successfully raised two boys in that house, not to mention often taking care of an extra “son” or “daughter.” Neighbors with similar homes and more kids were doing quite well, too. And they had much less in the form of material items. I don’t think that they were always completely content with what they had, but they lived well all the same.

There will (God willing) be a new home one day. We still want to build; it’s just going to take longer than we had hoped.

a little room

2012-01-04T08:33:00.000-08:00

We’re not going to have a nursery.

I (so far!) haven’t minded the repeated questions about being pregnant.

When are you due? What are you having? Are you excited? Is this the first grandchild?

But the nursery questions are getting hard…

Do you have the nursery ready? What are your colors? What’s the theme?

We don’t have a nursery. We don’t have colors. There is no room for a theme. There is literally no room. We can’t even put the crib together right now…because there’s no room! I feel like a bad parent every time I have to explain this. I wish we could be painting a bedroom and putting a crib together and buying fun baby décor. We’ll have to do some serious reorganizing to make room for a crib soon, but that’s about it.

We’re going to move. We hope, anyway; we’ve been looking into it for a while now. There will be an entire bedroom for baby sometime in the next eight to ten months, God willing.

This isn’t a serious problem. And people who ask me about the nursery are only asking a typical new baby question, so I can’t fault that. It just makes me feel inadequate every time I have to explain that we’re not preparing a baby room and won’t be able to for several months. Maybe it’s a new mom thing.

Good news - we have a nice house. We have an opportunity to move into a bigger house. We can get by without a bedroom. God is more than taking care of our material needs. AND I don’t have gestational diabetes! Failed the first test, but passed the second. :) I just need to remember these things every time I get a nursery question.

always a bride?

2011-12-08T07:06:00.000-08:00

Ok, is this weird?

I’ve been a bride. It was wonderful. We had a lovely, amazing wedding.

But, I’ve always wanted to be a bridesmaid.

Isn’t it supposed to be, “always a bridesmaid, never a bride?”

I remember a conversation in college when my friends were describing their dream weddings. Someone asked me what my dream wedding was…and I did not have an answer. I didn’t have a dream wedding. I had never considered colors and dresses and meals and locations. I did want to be married eventually. I had a vague idea about a great man and a church and a white dress, but that was about it.

Maybe it was because I didn’t have my wedding half planned in my imagination, or maybe it was because I’m not big on being the center of attention (because brides really can get a lot of attention)…but I wanted to be a bridesmaid more than a bride. Have someone decide the colors for me, be in a position of supporting the couple, wear a pretty dress. Still be in the thick of things (because I like to be involved!) yet not be in the spotlight.

My day as a bride (and my husband’s day as a groom) was an experience I would not trade for anything. And I had the BEST bridesmaids! But I still have this dream of being a bridesmaid. Maybe one day. Or maybe I'm just weird!

moving along

2011-12-01T07:05:00.000-08:00

Finally, finally, the sickness is over.

Except for the random waves of nausea that I tend to get on occasion. And that really early mornings (5 AM on Mondays, yay!) still feel a bit rough on my stomach. Other than that, it’s SO much better.

Now, if only I could sleep through the night instead of being up three to five times…joy of motherhood, I guess. :)

I’m trying to get back into exercise now that I’m feeling better. Four months of doing nothing resulted in sore arms after five minutes of holding car seats and trying to lift travel system strollers on display at the stores. We finally opted for the snap and go variety of stroller because I had a heck of a time trying to get a travel system off the ground. And I’ll be lifting these things in and out of cars…yikes.

I still don’t like exercise. I’d rather be lazy…but I know I can do it; I’ve made myself do it in the past. The motivation to be able to carry a child around without feeling like my arms will drop off after five minutes will help. I hope!

the good things

2011-11-02T09:29:00.000-07:00

What do I like about pregnancy?

I like that baby is moving and I can finally feel it. It’s subtle and doesn’t happen a lot yet, but there’s nothing quite like feeling those little movements. I also imagine it’s the only time I’ll like being kicked by my child, so I should enjoy it!

I love that baby is healthy so far. The last ultrasound was a little scary because I found out that I was at risk (a SMALL risk) for having a child with Down Syndrome. I opted to take the test that assesses risk for such things. You choose to take it; people often react with surprise when I tell them I had a test (“Do they test everyone for that??”)…you can choose to skip it altogether.

It was so small, I was surprised that my doctor even suggested I have further testing (in-depth ultrasound with a specialist), but she did and I had it. Although we were told that the ultrasound is not always accurate, it was very positive…good blood flow, a heart and stomach functioning as they should, a healthy spine, and no physical evidence of Down Syndrome. The specialist said I could have yet another test that IS always accurate, but it carries a risk of miscarriage and I’m happy enough with the first.

The biggest thing that this pregnancy has reinforced is that I’m not in control. I can do my best to be healthy, but I can in no way guarantee a healthy baby. That is completely in God’s hands and it seems that all of the Bible study I’ve done and teaching I’ve heard lately have somehow reiterated that idea. My small group is studying Ecclesiastes and the latest verse to stick is 3:14. “I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.” He’s in control. Not me.

argh, typos!

2011-10-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

"Where you planning to get pregnant?" Seriously...I can spell "were." And to notice it a month after the fact. Typos annoy me.

I did change it. In case you look.

And now, for my pregnancy whine. I kind of thought I would love being pregnant. I was very excited. I suppose I should say that I AM very excited, and I do love it...to an extent. I don't love the way I feel. I still feel sick every morning, even if I should be thankful that I'm not throwing up any more. I don't love my appetite. There are so many foods that don't appeal to me that I usually enjoy. Chocolate. Ugh. Pizza. Barf. Mexican. Gross. Caffeine. Thank goodness I'm not a coffee addict. Yes, those are largely unhealthy, but then there are vegetables...puke. As for my skin...suffice it to say that I do not have the "pregnancy glow."

I don't love my energy levels. I had plans to exercise through this pregnancy, but I feel sick every time I expend the energy it takes to have a decent work out. Even prenatal yoga is hard. I stopped trying. I worry I won't have the energy to keep up with a baby. At the same time, I know I will...after all, not every mother I know is in prime physical condition and they seem to handle it well enough.

I am aware that I am very blessed. Baby has been healthy thus far and I'm keeping my food down. I know people who've had very difficult pregnancies. I also know women who loved being pregnant and felt amazing throughout. I guess my experience is my own personal reality check.

I hope this is typo-free...

there's a baby in there

2011-09-14T07:07:00.000-07:00

We just made the big announcement! Fourteen weeks along and due in March. Pregnancy has thus far treated me with morning sickness, tiredness, nausea, and a rotten appetite. I feel like a hermit because I go to work and I go home and that's about all I do anymore. At 14 weeks, I'm hoping I come out of it soon and have the "easy" second trimester I've heard so much about.

All of the ickiness aside, we're very excited! It has been interesting to hear all of the repeated questions from friends and family. They seem to come like this:

"How do you feel?"
See above

"Are you going to find out what you're having?"
We don't know yet. Husband wants to know and I don't. Haha.

"Do you have a baby room started?"
Um...hardly. In fact, baby will probably not have a room; rather, he or she will have a space. Our little house isn't big enough to justify an entire room, a fact that will eventually need to remedied by moving to a larger house, which may happen next year.

"Were you planning to get pregnant?"
Oh, yes. :)

"Will you keep your job after the baby is born?"
I have mixed feelings about that, but I currently plan to keep it.

Lots of changes coming our way!

some catch up

2011-08-22T13:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I forget I have a blog.

The anniversary was fabulous and nearly gift-free. I got flowers and chocolates and he got...just a card. He knew that there was nothing he wanted within our budgetary means, so it worked out. But we had a fun weekend away at a bed and breakfast in Shipshewana.

The 4-Hour Body diet came to a screeching halt. After about two months, we decided it wasn't working. We probably weren't strict enough, as it followed SUPER strict guidelines. My husband decided to go back to the diet that worked for him last time he lost weight (light portions, and much more variety than the 4-Hour Body allowed) and I decided not to diet. But I do make an effort to eat better than I did before.

On that note, I need to figure out a tasty way to eat vegetables. I have never been a veggie lover. My mother-in-law recently made us some yummy cream of carrot soup, so I've been looking at cream soup recipes. I hear cream soups are not healthy, but homemade isn't looking too bad...they seem to be made primarily of milk and pureed veggies. It may be my next adventure in cooking...

Stay tuned for next time I remember I have a blog!

gifts

2011-07-06T09:43:00.000-07:00

Specifically, anniversary gifts. It's really hard to buy an anniversary gift for my husband when:

a) he wants expensive things that necessitate input from him (i.e., the gift couldn't be a surprise)

b) he doesn't want anything other than those things that are expensive

c) I can't come up with any gift ideas for him to get me, expensive or otherwise

I have never been a good giver or buyer of gifts in the form of tangible objects. Sometimes, I'm even a poor receiver of such gifts, although I try really hard not to be that way. That whole "women say they don't want gifts when they really do" thing is not true for me. The only present I really want is the opportunity to spend some time together and maybe a card or note because I do appreciate it when someone takes the time to write me something nice.

My husband, on the other hand, loves to receive gifts in the form of tangible objects on special occasions. He's a pretty understanding guy, but as we near two years (!!!) of marriage, I think I might be in for a bit of trouble!

health(ier)

2011-06-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

The cold is over!

The cough is here. Stupid cough. It’s ok if I don’t talk. Work, however = a lot of talking.

Anyway.

The “4-Hour Body-time to eat healthier-or at least try” initiative has been on for about two weeks. Called the Slow Carb Diet, it eliminates anything high in carbs: bread, rice, pasta, junk food, cereal, desserts, etc. It also calls for no dairy (except eggs) and no fruit.

Foods that are allowed consist mainly of meats, veggies, beans, and eggs. Eat a variety of those for meals about four times a day for six days. On day seven, you can eat whatever you want…. The book explains it in great detail, but that’s the very basic gist of it.

Can I do that? Heck, no! I can’t even make time for four meals a day. Instead, I’ve found it to be a good guide to attempt to follow. By that, I mean that I don’t follow it to the letter. I still eat cereal with milk most mornings. I put shredded cheese on my salads. I take granola bars to work for a snack. But overall, I’m eating much better and I’ve found some things that work well.

Hard boiled eggs – good for breakfast and can be prepared ahead of time

Quinoa – didn’t know about this until recently; it’s a grain that cooks and tastes a lot like rice

Black beans – mixed with quinoa cooked in chicken stock, maybe add some cilantro…yum!

Lunch meat – roll it up and eat it without bread, maybe add some chopped veggies for a breadless sandwich

Our first “day seven” consisted of pasta, ice cream, movie theater popcorn, and pizza. Pretty awesome.

darn cold

2011-06-03T07:07:00.000-07:00

I was going strong on the exercise. And then I caught a cold.

It's day three of sore throat, stuffy nose, foggy head, no exercise... Ugh. By the time I feel up to working out again, I'll be back to square one.

In other news, Nathan and I are starting a new initiative to eat better. It will be based on The Four Hour Body, a book that describes something called the slow carb diet as a means of eating healthy by eliminating foods high in carbohydrates and consuming lots of meats and veggies.

It involves cooking breakfast. Pretty much the last thing I want to do in the morning is cook. We'll see how it goes...

I may write more about this later, but for now I must go nurse my cold.

disappointment

2011-05-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

Today at the library, I learned that my schedule is not as great as I had thought. It does not coincide with Nathan's new summer schedule. I nearly cried. Knowing we were going to have the same days off had been so exciting because it meant three day weekends together every other week. Now, I will never have a three day weekend and he will. I was sad. And mad. And jealous. And I even messed up three check-ins upon discovering my correct schedule (shhh, I fixed them!).

I'm coming to terms with it. It sounds like a silly thing to complain about, but there you go...it was hard to take.

A couple of other updates:
Disney - I survived the walking! I never made it to five miles in my walks of preparation, but the ability to do three or four miles on a weekly basis made a difference. It was a great trip, but we decided our next vacation needs to involve beach towels, swimsuits, and lying around!

Exercise - yeah....so I'll see how my first full week of work goes and then try to make some kind of routine....!

new beginnings

2011-05-12T06:45:00.000-07:00

A year ago, after lots of prayer and difficult decision making, I quit my full time job to begin an unpaid internship at the library.

Monday, almost a year to the exact day of quitting my job, I was hired for a part time position at a branch library.

And not just any branch, but the branch I’m most familiar with, that I’ve been patronizing since I was in elementary school, that’s nearest to our home.

God is faithful. The timing allowed me to finish school without working 40 hour weeks at the same time, go to Florida for two weeks to see my grandma before she passed away (and return to attend the funeral), and even take a vacation with Nathan. And my new hours include off days that will coincide with Nathan’s new summer hours. Plus, the rest of the schedule allows me to have a social life. It’s the best work schedule I’ve ever had.

My future has a lot of new unknowns…will I like this job? Will I learn new things quickly? Will it take time? But God will be faithful to see me through, just as He saw me through quitting and interning and job hunting.

Psalm 89:8 “Who is like you, Lord God Almighty? You, Lord, are mighty, and your faithfulness surrounds you.”

On exercise

2011-04-14T14:53:00.000-07:00

I don’t like working out. Over the years, I have tried and failed many times in creating and maintaining an exercise routine.

I've tried:

Yoga

Pilates

Recumbent bike

Jillian Michaels video (yikes)

Running

Currently, I am walking. I decided to walk in preparation for an upcoming vacation that will require lots of walking. Also known as Disney World…the not so magical part being the hours spent traversing big sidewalks and standing in long lines. Last time I was there, I was dead on my feet after lunch. I’m hoping to do better this time.

All of my work out attempts have taken place at home. Last year when I tried running, I had some success because it took place outside. Outside, the air is fresh, the scenery changes, and I see other people. The only problem is cold weather, but winter IS over for now...

Walking = same as running, just slower

I’m up to three miles, with a goal of five. Maybe (just maybe) I'll run again after that.

"Gone from my sight."

2011-04-04T10:35:00.000-07:00

I spent the last couple of weeks in Florida, where my grandma was in hospice. There are few adequate words, so I'll borrow from something my brother found, by Henry Van Dyke:

"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says, 'There, she is gone!'
'Gone where?'

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: 'There, she is gone,' there are other eyes watching her coming, ready to take up the glad shout, 'Here she comes!'

And that is dying..."

In loving memory of my wonderful grandmother

next, please

2011-03-14T13:58:00.000-07:00

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:21

This verse has stuck with me through the years.

Last week…

Our dog died

I got sick

I got an interview (!)

My grandma had a stroke (minor stroke; she's on the mend now)

I was turned down for another job

Nathan was gone on a business trip all week

This week…

I am healthy

Nathan's home!

I had a job interview (!). It went well. I am now waiting and trying not to get my hopes up.

I took a two mile walk

New goal…

Increase two miles to five

And as for what the rest of this week brings…I’m trying to trust God on that one.

i was going to...

2011-03-10T13:10:00.000-08:00

My plan for the week looked like this:

Monday - volunteer at the library

Tuesday - sort summer clothes, go to the bank, the grocery, and the mailboxes, followed by dinner with my small group girls

Wednesday - a trip to the library, the mall (not to buy, but to walk, as it was supposed to rain all day), and dinner with my in-laws

Thursday - more library volunteering

Monday and Tuesday went off well enough, with me accomplishing everything and finding less time to sit at home and be bored.

Wednesday looked like this - Wake up with a terrible sore throat. Can't talk. Can't swallow without convulsing in pain. Go to the doctor for a diagnosis and meds. Find out I have a fever to go with the throat. Spend the rest of the day on the couch.

Thursday - Called off the library, but feeling much better. I can swallow again! The fever is gone. I've been at home, trying to force down lots of water on the advice of some moms and a concerned husband.

So, I was going to do a lot of things this week, and only made it about halfway. The unfortunate part - most of my days look like Wednesday, minus the sickness. Spend the day on the couch...reading, watching movies, messing around online. And it's boring. I even go to bed early sometimes, in hopes of escaping the monotony.

I realize that sounds like depression, but I don't think I'm depressed...I'm just really bored. And that's part of the reason I started blogging again. If I put it out there, whether anyone reads it, I think I'll be more motivated to come up with things to fill my day.

Tomorrow, I plan to clean the house. I've tried to make that my usual Friday activity. Maybe afterward, I'll take that walk at the mall.

sad day

2011-03-07T11:21:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, our little bichon Desiree was put to sleep. She had too many health problems to handle.

And so begins my life, minus one dog. She joined our family when I was in high school. She was, as many pets are, a well-loved member of the family who will be greatly missed. My pretty girl, my sweet puppy, my little Desi.

Life will not be the same without you.

so much time...so little to do

2011-03-04T12:24:00.000-08:00

I have been unemployed since last May. I quit my job of four years to do an unpaid summer internship at the public library. It was a great experience that I hoped would lead to a job. And then the internship ended. I spent fall semester finishing school and graduating, and the internship itself…

…led to volunteer service, which has been helpful and informative, but it only keeps me busy about four hours out of the week. I’ve snagged a few interviews, but they have so far ended with me being “too inexperienced.” I’m not yet sure what to do with that; I try to make sure the public library people know I’m willing to do just about anything. Plus, I have the degree! Gah!

This leaves me with unemployment, which is very BORING. It’s hard to fill the time. The house is usually clean. With only two people, there aren’t many errands to run. There are no children to take care of, and we don’t plan on that for a while. Job hunting is not time consuming because I am limited to the area in which I live, thanks (a very grateful thanks) to Nathan’s job. (I must also add that the job hunt is not time consuming due to not searching too widely outside of the library profession. I’m holding out hope…for a little while longer).

I’m afraid it sounds spoiled to have so much free time when so many people are busy trying to keep up with schedules, work, kids, and more. But I find myself struggling with a lot of free time. Days can feel endless and without purpose.

Maybe I will have a focus: Ideas to fill Emily’s day...

back again

2011-03-03T10:25:00.000-08:00

I began a blog during my junior year of college and kept it until some point last fall.

I’ve missed it.

Toward the end, I was out of ideas, my blog entries rambled about nothing, and no one really read it. Which may continue to be the case…but there’s something about putting my words out there, whether they’ll be read or not, that I miss.

The things that are notably different since my last blog experience:

I’ve been married to Nathan for over a year and a half

I’m done with school and have a master’s degree in Library and Information Science (!)

I am unemployed

I’m not sure where this will go. I thought about doing the library job search angle, but lots of blogs are already tackling that. This probably won’t be too focused…just me, writing. Whatever I end up going on about, it does feel good to be blogging again.