work it out

And it’s July!

That was fast.

Back to work about a month = success

Moving = success

Unpacking = near success

I get to decorate soon. I’m no good at decorating, but Nathan’s even worse, so it’s all me! It’ll be…interesting. Especially with a baby.

In the midst of moving, I fell off of my work out schedule. I fell off hard. I’ve mentioned it before, but I do not, do not, DO NOT enjoy exercising. I can do it, and I have done it, but I strongly dislike it. It’s very easy to stop and let several weeks (or months) pass before I return to it. 

Why do I dislike exercise so much? I don’t know if I have a good answer. Am I lazy? Well, yeah, to an extent. I’d rather sit and read than lift weights. I don’t like being sore, out of breath, hot and sweaty, and all of the other uncomfortable effects of working out. 

But. I want to be healthy. I want to be stronger. It’d be nice to lose some of the pregnancy weight that stayed with me. The motivation is simply not there. Nathan tells me that waiting for feelings of motivation is pointless…to reference Nike, just do it! 

He’s right. It’s just a matter of working out or not working out. I can do either, whether or not I feel like it. I only have to make myself do it that first time…again.

here we go

I go back to work on Wednesday!!! I can’t believe it has been 12 weeks! Where on earth did the time go?? 

The thing I’m most nervous about is that I’ll have forgotten how to do my job! Seriously. I haven’t given work much thought in the past 12 weeks, so I hope it all comes back to me, especially since I’ll be returning during the amazingly busy summer reading season.

I realized that last month marked one year since I’ve had my job at the library, and that’s one year minus 12 weeks. I never thought that the first job I really, truly enjoyed would be interrupted by a baby.

It was a good interruption.

The other source of nervousness is getting baby to day care on time. We had a nice surprise – day care will be done by our parents for a while. :) The day care we chose is great, but I love knowing he’ll be with family for now.

Returning to work, getting used to a new schedule and routine, and in two weeks there’ll be a new house. Crazy month! If 12 weeks flew by, I imagine I’ll be at the other side of June in a second or so…!

update

I am so much better. Being a new mommy is hard and it’s a lot of work, but it’s no longer dark and full of sadness, and for that I am thankful. I worry sometimes that I might fall back into it, what with returning to work in two weeks (!!!) and moving in a month. It’s easy to feel it when I’m tired and have a lot of things happening at once.

We sold our house. Pending a good inspection, we bought a new one! It’s almost everything we were looking for in a house, so we feel very blessed to have found it. 

Andrew is a good baby. He no longer spends the majority of every day crying (big relief), is sleeping through the night, has started smiling, and is growing way too fast for me! He also successfully spent his first night away from us so we could go to an out of state wedding. We are grateful for grandparents who are willing to watch him! 

Next month will be a challenge, but I think I can face it.

Matthew 19:26 "...with God all things are possible."

postpartum

I did go late. 

One day late.

Baby Andrew made his appearance on March 12 at 11:51 pm, just in time to share his Uncle Bryan’s birthday. The weeks since have been a whirlwind. His first month of life has been absolutely nothing like I thought it would be…

Labor and delivery went well, even if the epidural didn’t numb me completely. I got through it. I was happy, I had a healthy baby boy, and we left the hospital after two days…

And then everything got pretty dark. I was so emotional and got upset easily. I was still in pain from giving birth, moving slowly, and tired from waking up several times a night to feed the baby. Andrew did not breastfeed well, which quickly took a toll on my already fragile emotions. 

I had help. My husband, parents, and in-laws were there and very supportive. Even so, I started wondering why I had a baby. I never imagined that I could have such a thought. I’ve always wanted to be a mother. But there it was… Why had I wanted this? I was a wreck; there was no joy in being a mother. It was nothing but listening to baby’s endless crying, exhaustion, pain, failed attempts at breastfeeding, and me feeling more sad and frustrated than I can ever remember. 

I knew having an infant would be hard, but no one ever told me it could feel like life was being sucked right out of me.

Three and a half weeks passed before I called the doctor and got diagnosed with postpartum depression. I started meds and was connected with some nurses who specialize in PPD. One of the nurses prayed with me.

I’m starting to see the light. I feel much better than I did, and I know it has a lot to do with medication, but talking to others who have experienced this also helped quite a bit. I don’t want to forget how it felt. In the future, I may never meet another woman who is dealing with PPD, but if I do, I know empathy is important. It made a difference to hear that someone else had felt the same way and recovered from it.

I can (thank you, God) now see the joy in being a mother. :)

timing, again

Made it to the due date! And still feeling like I’ll go late. I know it's just a feeling, but it's a strong one! (Watch me post this and go into labor tonight...!)

Stressed? A little bit. It’s hard not knowing when. Trying to trust God? A lot. His timing is perfect.

Revisiting thoughts about inducing... Mostly, I’ve been opposed to it. If I must for medical reasons, that’s ok, but planning it on my own hasn’t appealed to me. I think this is partly because people around me seem to be opposed to inducing, and I’ve been influenced by their opinions. And it’s quite alright if you’re against it, I’m just questioning if it’s right for me.

The reason?

I recently discovered that Nathan’s work schedule makes inducing more than a little enticing. A scheduled birth would at least ensure he would be there. With his current job duties, there’s no guarantee he’d make it home or to the hospital in time if he’s at work when labor begins. It stresses us both out a little. Ok, a lot.

Which brings me back to trusting God. I need to remember I can trust Him. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart” (Proverbs 3:5). “Trust in the Lord forever” (Isaiah 26:4). The baby will come in His time, whether I am induced or not.

timing

I’m hoping baby won’t come for at least four more days.

But I wouldn’t complain too much if labor started tonight…

I kind of want to make it past Leap Day and my birthday before baby day. Having the baby on either day doesn’t appeal to me. I guess I want baby to have his or her own day. Or I selfishly want my own birthday? Mom thing? Me thing? Something...

I’m so uncomfortable. Heartburn with every meal. Pulled muscles. Swelling. Stuffed up. Baby seems to like pushing on my bladder. Sitting…standing…moving…it all bothers me. 

Today, the doctor asked me if I would be interested in being induced next week if the baby didn’t arrive by the end of this week. I hadn’t expected that question. The nurses who taught the baby classes we took insisted that we absolutely would not be induced prior to the due date, barring any serious problems. With that in mind, I responded without giving it too much thought- “I was kind of planning on waiting till my due date.” My doctor was fine with that.

Then I got home and told Nathan and he seemed rather concerned that I hadn’t considered inducing early. That made me think that I probably appear to be more miserable than I realize. And, yes, as a matter of fact, Nathan does think I’m pretty miserable! 

So… I guess if I make it to next week’s appointment, I’ll question the doctor more closely about being induced. 

All, ultimately, is in God’s timing. In the meantime, I’m hauling myself off to bed. At least I can’t complain about discomfort when I sleep!

names, or what I didn't know

Names were hard. They still ARE hard. We simply didn’t (and still can't quite) agree. I really didn't know a name could be so difficult.

My favorite boy name? It just happens to be the same name of the kid who bullied my husband as a young child. I’d love to go find this guy and punch him in the face. Ok, so I’d never be that drastic, but it was extremely disappointing to find out someone ruined my long-time favorite name by being a mean kid.

His favorite boy name? It didn’t drag up any bad memories from my past, but I simply didn’t like it.  Unfortunately for him, I’d never consider giving my child such a name.

Moving on to girls…

I love, love, love my favorite girl name. He, however, put his foot down. He said if he didn’t know how to spell it upon hearing it, he couldn’t live with it. I tried to bring him around to it, but to no avail. *SIGH*

His favorite girl name was actually ok. BUT…I know many wonderful ladies who have the same name. I would feel weird giving the baby a name that belongs to more than one of my friends. I just can’t do it!

We both made lists of names we like (or can at least tolerate). One boy name matched. He’s totally cool with it, and I like it, but I don’t love the nickname that comes with it. It would take me a while to get over that part. In fact, I’d rather no one ever use the nickname. That would be best, but it’s probably not realistic to hope for it.

The girl, on the other hand, is a name I’m totally cool with, but he can just tolerate it. I couldn’t wrap my mind around any of his other girl names, but he figured he could put up with this one that I chose.

So, we have our two names. We’re keeping them secret. Everyone will find out on birth day, which is coming soon (about 4 weeks!!). I’m sure baby will quickly become his or her name and we’ll be fine. But, man…what a process!