the persistence of homesickness

Every morning, I wake up and think first of home. I think about what I would be doing today and who I would see. The people, the house, the buildings, the roads, all of it, is so deeply ingrained. Whenever I need to go somewhere here, I think almost dually of how I would get to the equivalent place if I were home. I am amazingly homesick. Yes, I am quite sure it is ridiculous to some degree, but it persists.

I am trying. I'm getting involved here, trying to "get out there," and it helps. But I still miss home daily, sometimes desperately. It is, again, probably ridiculous to view one city as "home." I can grasp that there is more to the concept of "home" than that.

We don't know the future. We thought we did, but it was knocked out from under us, and now our future is even more uncertain than it was then. I suppose that's the big lesson in all of this.

Please know that I'm not trying to make people feel bad for me. I'm not looking for sympathy. I've heard all the advice and it's appreciated. I'm just processing, and blogging helps.

What should I say?

This article about what moms don't say in regards to new motherhood recently appeared on my Facebook feed and I read it with great interest. I found everything on the list to be true to my own experience. From what I remember only two people really spoke to me about the difficulties of becoming a parent. One told me about some serious breast feeding issues she'd faced. With the other, it wasn't even specifics, just some general "it's really hard and I am so tired" comments.

Everyone told me that being a mom would be great and I would love it and, yes, it wouldn't be easy, but I would just love it. I do love my little one and there are great times and I would not give it up. I just wonder if it might have been different if more people had told me about the difficulties of those first months with baby.

I felt like I got hit by a truck after giving birth. I did not love it. I did not like it. I thought something was horribly wrong with me because I was supposed to be loving it. Everyone said I would love it! My poor husband didn't know what to do with my misery because he was supposed to be loving it, too. I kept it from everyone else because it must have been just me; I had to be doing something wrong. And then I couldn't stand it and went to the doctor and she said I had postpartum depression.

I posted a blog about my experience shortly after my PPD diagnosis. Suddenly, all these moms were telling me about how hard having a baby was for them. I was so relieved that it wasn't just me. That was a big aspect of my recovery. 

I have wondered ever since why I didn't hear about the difficulties before baby. Maybe that part was just me... I didn't know to look for them or ask about them. But some of the same people who said I'd love it also said it was so, so hard after I told them I was depressed.

I don't judge them because I also wonder if I help perpetuate this problem. I don't readily tell my first-time pregnant friends about my experiences. I wonder if I should, because for me they were pretty bad. I don't want to scare these new moms or make having a baby sound like the first step to depression. I know it's not always that hard for everyone, but it does seem to be hard for many people. I will gladly talk about it if asked, but I really don't know how to bring it up unasked. And maybe that is why only two people told me (unasked!) about the hardships of the early months of parenthood.

on staying home

What do stay at home moms do all day?

Last week was my first official week as a sahm. We were still living with my parents because we were stuck in a snowstorm. It wasn’t too hard because I had their help and company. 

This is my first official week as a sahm without help. Ha. Thanks to my husband’s mad organizational skills, Andrew and I moved into our apartment on Saturday and we are pretty well settled three days later. 

And now…what am I supposed to do? I mean, yes, there are three meals a day and regular diaper changes and play and discipline, but I have no idea what kind of routine to create. It’s really weird to not have to be anywhere. It’s really weird to not know anyone within a ten minute driving distance. I can’t even get in my car and drive without the help of Google maps because I don’t know where anything is around here. Plus, it’s against the law to drive and use a phone. Which is good, but still. It makes going out feel like a pain, and then I just don’t do it.

Then there’s Andrew, who doesn’t sit in a stroller or cart very well. He wants to run and get into everything and the playgrounds are cold and yucky for another few months. He is another reason it’s hard to get out, even though I know he’s bursting at the seams to get out. It feels like chaos when I take him to a store, and so, well, I don’t. 

Ah, if only we’d moved in the springtime. Three and a half more months!

While I know routines and relationships and familiarity will come eventually, I still find myself wondering what stay at home moms do, because I feel like I am facing a lot of potential boredom! I’m guessing they go places and just deal with the fits of little ones. I’ll have to learn.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m not stay at home mom material. I know, I know, it’s way too soon to tell. It hasn’t even been a week. But that’s how bored I already am!

*I should clarify. I only have one child. My only stay-at-home stint was during maternity leave, and I battled some serious depression and physical pain at that time. I know plenty of sahm moms with more than one kid or a kid with extra needs who seem to always be busy. I know what stay at home moms “do,” this is mostly about how I have no idea what I am doing!

On leaving

As I write this, I am sitting in an empty house that tomorrow will no longer be ours.

Yes, I want my family back together. Yes, it will be amazing and wonderful to have my husband home every night and on weekends. Yes, it's awesome and a big deal that he has a steady job no matter where it is.

Still, moving away sucks.

A year and a half ago, we found the perfect home. We moved in, anticipating at least 15 years in this beautiful house that fit all our wishes for a family home. I imagined this as the place my son would grow up. I loved the idea of being near family and friends and all things familiar.

Then came whispers of layoffs and relocations. Nathan started a job search to play it safe, and we quickly discovered his ideal job would probably take us away from home. And then it did. So we go to a tiny apartment with the promise of another move about a year away.

I will follow my husband anywhere. I believe in his work, he is great at it, and I love it when he loves his job. But leaving is still hard. I didn't know how much I loved being here till I couldn't be here anymore.

My hope and prayer is that I won't become bitter about this. I teeter on the edge of bitterness a lot lately, constantly telling myself that I really have nothing to be upset about. We're healthy and there is employment and we will be together. There are people who can't say that.

What next?

Thoughts on the future...

The drive isn't fun. Why is the speed limit on 294 fifty-five if everyone insists on 75, 85, and, I swear, 100?? I white knuckled the steering wheel for a while. Horrifying for one who doesn't like to drive!

We looked at four houses. Three of them were FILTHY. I work so hard to keep our home clean for showings (absolutely spotless next to what we saw!) and these people let their homes collect inches of dust and cobwebs and bugs...oh, the bugs.

Why hasn't our house sold yet?? It's so clean!!!

That's the rant.

Good stuff? Well, it was pretty. Lots of nature preserves and walking/biking paths. Lots of stores people here often drool over (Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, etc). Lots of neighborhoods that look nice. Plenty of decent schools, even if we're still a bit confused on how districts work.

It'll be ok. Maybe even great. In the meantime, I'm still working on the idea of leaving home. I still can't say I'm excited for this change. On the other hand, I am extremely ready to have my little family back together. I'll take the change for that!

HUGE changes

We are moving to Illinois.

Just typing that is surreal.

Nathan’s job wasn’t going well. He started a job search a while back that led him out of state. He got several offers (because he is awesome at his job) and then he got a really good offer. And we are moving.

To say we’re not super excited about this is an understatement. We wanted to stay. We grew up here. We love our house that we’ve only been in a little over a year. We wanted to raise our son here. Our families and friends are here and we are very content with the familiarity of this place. This is home.

The immediate challenges this poses are a little overwhelming. We have to repaint our kitchen and keep Andrew from destroying the walls with food. Well-timed sippy cup drops are brutal! Then we have to put our beautiful home on the market and pray it sells quickly. Nathan needs a place to stay near his new job. We’ll be apart until our house sells. We need to buy a new house in an area where we are already finding school districts to be difficult.

I need to quit my job. I love my job so much. It makes me sad. :( On a happy note, I get to stay there till the house sells. (Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, grandparents!!) I will not look for another job in Illinois. I’ll get to be a stay-at-home mom after all. I hope to get back into a library in the years ahead, when daycare won’t be so necessary.

There are positives. The final sale of this house will be one of them, as it will lift a huge financial burden. We both think the new job will relieve some of the stress we’ve experienced as a family. I’ll get to decorate a home without the threat of a move hanging over it. I have no idea what God has planned for us in Illinois, but this good job for Nathan is already a blessing.

 It’s just going to be hard to leave this place. It is home in a way that feels woven into the very fiber of my being. That sounds intense, but it’s true.

Matthew 6:25-27
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

pffft

Some days, I seriously wonder how I keep myself and my child alive. Clothed. Fed. Mostly clean.

Today is such a day. I’m exhausted. We’ve been battling colds and assorted sicknesses for months now. I think one of us catches something every other week. Not kidding. It’s starting to wear me down. Nap scheduling has gotten all messed up. Clingy-ness is at an all-time high. I can’t do anything without a tiny person holding on to my leg and screaming because I’m not holding him. And to top it all off, some huge changes are looming on the horizon for our family. Details of that are for a future post, but I include it because it has contributed to the stress.

As I was watching said tiny person play (without fussing!) earlier today, I was thinking about how we’ve all three been little puddles of misery in the past few months.

Really, we do not have it that bad. Basic blessings include food, clothing, and shelter. On a daily basis. My husband and I both have jobs. We might be sick, but we are not desperately ill. We have a lot and then some. I don’t know why that can be hard to remember in the midst of hardship that is, in all truthfulness, pretty minor.

And now to go find something for this headache. I am blessed to have access to helpful medicine. :)