On leaving

As I write this, I am sitting in an empty house that tomorrow will no longer be ours.

Yes, I want my family back together. Yes, it will be amazing and wonderful to have my husband home every night and on weekends. Yes, it's awesome and a big deal that he has a steady job no matter where it is.

Still, moving away sucks.

A year and a half ago, we found the perfect home. We moved in, anticipating at least 15 years in this beautiful house that fit all our wishes for a family home. I imagined this as the place my son would grow up. I loved the idea of being near family and friends and all things familiar.

Then came whispers of layoffs and relocations. Nathan started a job search to play it safe, and we quickly discovered his ideal job would probably take us away from home. And then it did. So we go to a tiny apartment with the promise of another move about a year away.

I will follow my husband anywhere. I believe in his work, he is great at it, and I love it when he loves his job. But leaving is still hard. I didn't know how much I loved being here till I couldn't be here anymore.

My hope and prayer is that I won't become bitter about this. I teeter on the edge of bitterness a lot lately, constantly telling myself that I really have nothing to be upset about. We're healthy and there is employment and we will be together. There are people who can't say that.

What next?

Thoughts on the future...

The drive isn't fun. Why is the speed limit on 294 fifty-five if everyone insists on 75, 85, and, I swear, 100?? I white knuckled the steering wheel for a while. Horrifying for one who doesn't like to drive!

We looked at four houses. Three of them were FILTHY. I work so hard to keep our home clean for showings (absolutely spotless next to what we saw!) and these people let their homes collect inches of dust and cobwebs and bugs...oh, the bugs.

Why hasn't our house sold yet?? It's so clean!!!

That's the rant.

Good stuff? Well, it was pretty. Lots of nature preserves and walking/biking paths. Lots of stores people here often drool over (Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, etc). Lots of neighborhoods that look nice. Plenty of decent schools, even if we're still a bit confused on how districts work.

It'll be ok. Maybe even great. In the meantime, I'm still working on the idea of leaving home. I still can't say I'm excited for this change. On the other hand, I am extremely ready to have my little family back together. I'll take the change for that!

HUGE changes

We are moving to Illinois.

Just typing that is surreal.

Nathan’s job wasn’t going well. He started a job search a while back that led him out of state. He got several offers (because he is awesome at his job) and then he got a really good offer. And we are moving.

To say we’re not super excited about this is an understatement. We wanted to stay. We grew up here. We love our house that we’ve only been in a little over a year. We wanted to raise our son here. Our families and friends are here and we are very content with the familiarity of this place. This is home.

The immediate challenges this poses are a little overwhelming. We have to repaint our kitchen and keep Andrew from destroying the walls with food. Well-timed sippy cup drops are brutal! Then we have to put our beautiful home on the market and pray it sells quickly. Nathan needs a place to stay near his new job. We’ll be apart until our house sells. We need to buy a new house in an area where we are already finding school districts to be difficult.

I need to quit my job. I love my job so much. It makes me sad. :( On a happy note, I get to stay there till the house sells. (Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, grandparents!!) I will not look for another job in Illinois. I’ll get to be a stay-at-home mom after all. I hope to get back into a library in the years ahead, when daycare won’t be so necessary.

There are positives. The final sale of this house will be one of them, as it will lift a huge financial burden. We both think the new job will relieve some of the stress we’ve experienced as a family. I’ll get to decorate a home without the threat of a move hanging over it. I have no idea what God has planned for us in Illinois, but this good job for Nathan is already a blessing.

 It’s just going to be hard to leave this place. It is home in a way that feels woven into the very fiber of my being. That sounds intense, but it’s true.

Matthew 6:25-27
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

pffft

Some days, I seriously wonder how I keep myself and my child alive. Clothed. Fed. Mostly clean.

Today is such a day. I’m exhausted. We’ve been battling colds and assorted sicknesses for months now. I think one of us catches something every other week. Not kidding. It’s starting to wear me down. Nap scheduling has gotten all messed up. Clingy-ness is at an all-time high. I can’t do anything without a tiny person holding on to my leg and screaming because I’m not holding him. And to top it all off, some huge changes are looming on the horizon for our family. Details of that are for a future post, but I include it because it has contributed to the stress.

As I was watching said tiny person play (without fussing!) earlier today, I was thinking about how we’ve all three been little puddles of misery in the past few months.

Really, we do not have it that bad. Basic blessings include food, clothing, and shelter. On a daily basis. My husband and I both have jobs. We might be sick, but we are not desperately ill. We have a lot and then some. I don’t know why that can be hard to remember in the midst of hardship that is, in all truthfulness, pretty minor.

And now to go find something for this headache. I am blessed to have access to helpful medicine. :)

what sleep is not

About three months ago, we made plans to go to a concert and have Andrew spend the night with his grandparents.

To say I was looking forward to it is an understatement. I was literally hanging onto it as a beacon of hope for the future, and not because I was excited about the concert. 

I was excited to sleep in. No baby on Saturday morning to wake me up at 5:30 or 6 in the AM. Waking up on my own. Lounging in bed. A lazy morning of breakfast with a good book on my own time. I was more excited for that than I was for Christmas.

I used it to get through hard days.

If we had a particularly fussy day… “Two months till I can sleep in.”

If I was really tired or stressed… “Three weeks till I can sleep in.”

When we all caught colds… “Soon, I can sleep in.”

And then, the night before the concert, we got a phone call. Grandma was sick and could no longer take the baby for the night. 

I was CRUSHED. (Disclaimer- I’m not at all upset with grandma. I felt awful that she got sick.)

We still got to go to the concert, thanks to Andrew’s other wonderful grandma coming over to watch him and put him to bed, but my dreams of a quiet, restful morning were in pieces.

Yes, it was that dramatic to me at the time. And boy, did I feel stupid. I had put my hopes in something so temporary. It was just one morning. I wrapped so much hope and emotion into one morning that would have come and gone in the blink of an eye. I know better, or I thought I did.

Psalm 62:5 “Yes my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.”

Isaiah 49:23 “…those who hope in me will not be disappointed.”

Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Real hope does not come from a morning of sleeping in. It comes from God. 

My challenge in the coming months is to remember that!